My Thoughts Exactly
I’d been wanting to read My Thoughts Exactly, Lily Allen’s autobiography, ever since it first came out. Having caused quite a stir upon release, particularly in music industry circles (which, at the time, I was still part of), I was intrigued as to whether it could live up to the hype. Quite why it’s taken me nearly two years to get round to reading it then, I can’t be sure of, but at least I finally understand just why it proved so explosive back then.
The book’s foreword aims to establish an overton window through which Lily’s actions should be viewed – acknowledging her strengths and weaknesses, it comes across a little contrite but in age where people are quick to judge, you can hardly blame Lily for wanting to demonstrate from the outset that there are many different sides to every story in an attempt to secure some empathy for her as a flawed human being from the reader.
The book’s first few chapters set things up nicely. Whilst lacking in revelations compared to later excerpts, they do establish a number of patterns that Lily has clearly reflected on many times since, in an attempt to understand why she feels and acts the way that she does. Whilst dealing with the fallout from strained relationships with close family members is something that most of us have experienced up to a point, there’s seemingly no let up for Lily, whose unruly yet fairly typical teenage behaviour gives way to an almost complete loss of control following sustained setbacks.
We’ll come back to that.
For the most part, the first half of My Thoughts Exactly paints a fairly ordinary picture (at least when compared to other celebrity autobiographies). In fact, I found Lily’s own musings on her place in the music industry piqued my attention above all else during these formative chapters. As someone who was still just a teenager when MySpace took off, I had forgotten that Lily was one of the original artists to benefit from the freedom that the social media platform offered talented young artists, and it’s interesting to hear her apportion the “clash of styles” that has often defined her output to being a part of the first generation to have unlimited access to music via LimeWire and other file-sharing sites. Her argument that she didn’t feel the pressure of “second album syndrome” because the album no longer means as much because of streaming, is equally compelling.
It will come as no surprise to anyone who has listened to Lily’s lyrics that she’s actually a very intelligent young woman with a very persuasive perspective on the fame machine. I say “actually” only because the picture painted by the tabloids has tried to tell a very different story down the years. My Thoughts Exactly is the perfect riposte.
What is surprising is the hold Lily now seems to have over why she made such poor decisions in the past, ones that she could easily continue to beat herself up about. However, it’s clear that Lily has since reflected on these, acknowledging her depression and unravelling both the chemical science and sequence of events that could have led to such actions. It doesn’t excuse them, but does provide some context as to the frame of mind she found herself in.
As someone whose own mental health has taken a battering at the time, I recognise many of the tropes Lily discusses throughout My Thoughts Exactly. Mind you, not once did I do anything destructive to those around me during these periods, so in that respect at least it’s hard to empathise, let alone sympathise with Lily.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that Lily’s own experiences count for less by any means, and as her life begins to unravel – with events that she had no control over conspiring against her – it’s hard not to feel anything but concern for the popstar. Perhaps because of my music industry background, the ‘Assault’ made me feel particularly sickened – lifting the lid on the turmoil she was exposed to at the hands of one unnamed executive. Whilst I never witnessed or even heard of anything like this happening during the years I spent working in music, I am in many respects, unsurprised. I certainly recognise the power structures Lily talks about as having created an industry that is very unequal, and although I didn’t really think about it at the time, it’s not hard to fathom how this could subsequently manufacture environments in which events like these are commonplace.
Lily’s experience of being stalked by a mentally unwell man also rings alarm bells, as does the reaction of the police to his breaking into her house in the dead of the night. And I can’t even begin to fathom how hard it must have been for her losing a child.
All in all then, wor Lily’s been through a hell of a lot for someone her age. My Thoughts Exactly sees her take responsibility for those actions she could and should have handled better, whilst serving as a reminder that navigating the trials and tribulations of celebrity life – particularly for a young woman in the entertainment business – isn’t always as easy as it looks. It’s a very easy read, which will prove engaging to fans of Lily and her music, as well as those who aren’t. I probably fit into this latter camp – I’m a big fan of Lily’s lyrics but have never really been a fan of her cosmopolitan sound, and ‘The Fear’ is the only song of hers that I would happily listen to on repeat. And yet, I’m full of admiration for Lily as a person, even more so after reading this book. I only hope that she doesn’t allow herself to be dragged down by past events, and can go about creating a brighter future for herself and her daughters.
